Do you have that man on a leash
I actually cringe when I hear a man joke “Got to ask the wife” or the woman brag that she wears the pants in the family.
Now in real life with my actual clients, we constantly work to move the needle. This can be for personal or professional, I will talk in very specific terms about “training” someone in your sphere of influence. It’s OK to think in those terms for work, you don’t expect the newbie on the job to be as competent as you, that’s why you train. With a new romantic partner, you have to get used to each other’s personality and style, you are training each other and figuring out how to be together in a new relationship. For practical reasons, this lingo is correct and also necessary.
The problem is when there’s a lack of two things:
Lack of respect
Lack of love
If you do NOT deeply love and respect your partner, then pushing forward with your own agenda can be selfish. You may still get what you want, but your partner is left out in the cold.
Whereas you can get away with a lot if there is real love and respect in play.
What does this look like in the real world, let’s look at a couple of scenarios.
The guy jokes around playfully that his wife is the boss, but there’s no malice and it’s only lighthearted teasing. They both know they love each other, there is mutual respect. In contrast, the poor man who grudgingly says he has to ask the wife, he’s not happy to do so, but he knows she will punish him via a bad attitude if he doesn’t conform. He doesn’t want, he doesn’t respect, he doesn’t feel lighthearted about this. He feels trapped. That’s the difference.
The friends and family are aware that the husband huffs and puffs, but he’s all steam, the one who actually manages the finances is the wife. It’s common knowledge, the household runs smoothly because of the wife’s organization. You could joke that she wears the pants in the family, but the husband loves that his wife takes care of things competently, he’s supported for things he wants to do. There’s no malice, only gratitude and enjoyment. That’s the difference.
Semantics aside, it’s the feeling that’s engendered. If you know your wife loves you and has your back through thick and thin, you can joke about her being the boss. If your husband is strong and supports you, you feel deep admiration for him, you can joke about wearing the pants and he’s not offended. There is truth. And then there’s how you feel about the truth. That’s the difference.
Everything is on the table and can also be OK, when real love and respect are in play. In that context, jokes are accepted and even fun.
When it’s far from OK, is when either partner does NOT feel love and respect. Then you got big problems. That joke is no longer cute, cuts like a knife.
If love and respect are absent, neither partner will find it enjoyable, if they feel they’re controlled by the other. Being on the leash of someone who’s selfish, is no one’s idea of a good time. You will hate yourself and later you will dislike your partner. That’s not good.
You can’t respect that man, if you feel you control him. He must have his own thoughts, go toe to toe with you, challenge you. No woman on the planet, if she’s emotionally healthy and intellectually capable, respects a man who neither thinks for himself nor acts strong in his own right. If you do not respect him, it’s also hard to love him.
It’s not true that women want weak men.
It’s not true that men want weak women.
Both want to DO for the other with motives of love and respect.
You know your partner’s personality and style, you know what’s cute vs what’s demeaning. You know.
Most men don’t want to be on a leash. To joke that he is, may mean that you don’t realize the optics, that this is both cutting and hurtful to someone you care about.
Most women want a strong man, decisive and ability to lead.
Love and respect is when you DO for each other, it’s that simple.
If you’re willing to communicate and compromise, you have a shot for a relationship that you both want to be in. With those two things in play, love and respect, you can joke and play around. But without those two elements, you’re in the danger zone, your partner my feel deeply hurt by comments that cut to the core.
It’s a smidge cringe when you blatantly talk about having your partner on a leash. No one thinks that’s cute. NO ONE.
Do better. Think respect and love.
rhmaldonado.com
Photo: The exception, when it’s blatant you’ve sold out to China, it’s obvious you’re on a leash. Governor Gavin Newsome put out Chinese flags for his Master Xi Jinpin for his San Francisco visit, not an American flag in sight, that’s when you know you’re owned.
