When I was a teenager and thought of nothing but having sex, I remember an old guy advising me against getting married - which in those days was the only surefire way of getting your leg over.
"The trouble with having a wife," he told me, "is it's there whenever you want it - and when you don't". Kind of says it all really.
How about some insights about how the tricks to ensure you have a health sex life with a long-term partner. I still do, and we've been together for 22 years. All you need is imagination, creativity - and, of course, love.
Hello Rachel, glad to see someone address the issue! A marriage without sex isn't a marriage - for me at least. My wife has a lot of shame around sex, so I get 'duty sex' regularly but there's never been any fun or passion involved, so there's very little intimacy in our relationship - great friends but lousy lovers. The worst part is she can't talk about sex - like not at all. We can't discuss the issue because she just can't discuss it without getting upset and sort of freaked out. Even after 28 years of marriage.
Luckily we have a lot of shared morals and values, one of which is that we don't believe in divorce (unless there was something serious like infidelity). That's really the only thing keeping us together. We don't hate each other, but there is a lot of intense frustration (on my part).
This is extremely good advice. One thing that stands in the way of people who do not have any experience working with a therapist is that they imagine therapy as a process of “fixing” something that is “broken” in themselves. Since part of being a human being is to (privately) think of ourselves as broken the prospect of working with a therapist often feels to the uninitiated as a kind of admission of hopelessness or helplessness. Not very appealing. If a person’s suffering is deep enough and prolonged enough then desperation and misery gets some people over the hump and they finally make the call. That’s how it worked for me, anyways. But my model was wrong. One great value of seeing a therapist for issues in a relationship is that it establishes a safe environment to say out loud - and then wrestle productively with - the things that are unsayable to the person with whom one is in a relationship. This simple act - simply expressing what had been inexpressible - produces a radical and beneficial sense of freedom and agency, often quite quickly.
When a couple cannot talk freely about sex then therapy is, as far as I am aware, just short of miraculous. I would encourage Redneck to support therapy for his wife not to fix something broken but simply to move the unsayable out of her mind into a collaborative space with the therapist where she can purchase some freedom for herself. Ideally the relationship itself would afford this space but the problem is that in a relationship every utterance must be weighed against the effect it has on our partner. Sometimes that’s just too high a ledge for a person to climb. Therapy is a collaborative undertaking with a person to whom anything can be said without fear of negative repercussions. It’s a work a person engages, totally unlike going to a doctor to fix something. It’s a gift we give ourselves.
Seems to work for me.
When you're honest with each other and find the love, it works out.
No
When you work very hard and dig deep, it works out
Honesty is not enough
Love is not enough
Plenty of couples who were honest are now divorced
Plenty of couples who do love each other, do get divorced
Putting in the work is what makes it work out
When I was a teenager and thought of nothing but having sex, I remember an old guy advising me against getting married - which in those days was the only surefire way of getting your leg over.
"The trouble with having a wife," he told me, "is it's there whenever you want it - and when you don't". Kind of says it all really.
How about some insights about how the tricks to ensure you have a health sex life with a long-term partner. I still do, and we've been together for 22 years. All you need is imagination, creativity - and, of course, love.
Hello Rachel, glad to see someone address the issue! A marriage without sex isn't a marriage - for me at least. My wife has a lot of shame around sex, so I get 'duty sex' regularly but there's never been any fun or passion involved, so there's very little intimacy in our relationship - great friends but lousy lovers. The worst part is she can't talk about sex - like not at all. We can't discuss the issue because she just can't discuss it without getting upset and sort of freaked out. Even after 28 years of marriage.
Luckily we have a lot of shared morals and values, one of which is that we don't believe in divorce (unless there was something serious like infidelity). That's really the only thing keeping us together. We don't hate each other, but there is a lot of intense frustration (on my part).
Thanks for being willing to post honestly!
-R.
1. There are "friendship marriages" and those marriages are valid to those who are in them.
2. It's a very complex issue, not easy to navigate.
3. Recommend therapy for your wife or even couples counseling, may help
4. I want to bring from shadows into light topics that are hard
This is extremely good advice. One thing that stands in the way of people who do not have any experience working with a therapist is that they imagine therapy as a process of “fixing” something that is “broken” in themselves. Since part of being a human being is to (privately) think of ourselves as broken the prospect of working with a therapist often feels to the uninitiated as a kind of admission of hopelessness or helplessness. Not very appealing. If a person’s suffering is deep enough and prolonged enough then desperation and misery gets some people over the hump and they finally make the call. That’s how it worked for me, anyways. But my model was wrong. One great value of seeing a therapist for issues in a relationship is that it establishes a safe environment to say out loud - and then wrestle productively with - the things that are unsayable to the person with whom one is in a relationship. This simple act - simply expressing what had been inexpressible - produces a radical and beneficial sense of freedom and agency, often quite quickly.
When a couple cannot talk freely about sex then therapy is, as far as I am aware, just short of miraculous. I would encourage Redneck to support therapy for his wife not to fix something broken but simply to move the unsayable out of her mind into a collaborative space with the therapist where she can purchase some freedom for herself. Ideally the relationship itself would afford this space but the problem is that in a relationship every utterance must be weighed against the effect it has on our partner. Sometimes that’s just too high a ledge for a person to climb. Therapy is a collaborative undertaking with a person to whom anything can be said without fear of negative repercussions. It’s a work a person engages, totally unlike going to a doctor to fix something. It’s a gift we give ourselves.
The key is to find a competent Therapist
Therapy helps you process and helps you have power and control in your life
It is that simple
Rachel, what do you mean when you write “helps you process”? Is that the same thing as saying “helps you think”?
Perhaps
Think is not as specific
Process implies the thinking also is coming up with solutions
Perhaps same thing
But when I talk to my clients, I use the word "process"
I do not think shutting down emotionally or physically is healthy
But people do come up with creative ways to cope
But no, shutting down in retaliation is not ideal
You figure it out, you talk it out, you go to therapy if you have to
But you fix this if you truly want to be partners
Depends
Some couples are ok with a "friendship marriage" but it's something both partners need to be on board with